I'm Going to Hell Because
by deathbyscreams
Summary: Murphy's law -" Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". Bella Swan wants Edward Cullen. what could go wrong? well let see shall we? M for serious potty mouth and awkward scenes...I am not afraid to make fun of anything. You have been warned!
1. Because Father I have Sinned

**I'm going to hell because …..**

**Chapter 1 …. Father I have sinned / get rid of the ho-bag**

**please note: i found a beta :) she absolutely lovely.**

** i have also combined chapter one and two since they are so short O.o**

**hope you enjoy my insanity **

**Bella's POV**

What am I doing here? How did I get here? I faintly remember Alice suggesting I go to church, but I don't actually remember getting in my car and driving to a catholic church.

And what was I thinking? I'm not even catholic, I was raised to be Lutheran and now I find myself getting out of my car to enter a catholic church.

_God, please don't kill me for entering the wrong church, I'm too lazy to look for another church and I'm in deep shit. My soul needs to cleanse badly._

Fuck, did I just pray to God and use shit in my prayer? I am going to hell, it is now official.

I hurried up to the front of the church. Would God hit me with lightning if I entered this church? Let's see. I stepped through the threshold and nothing happened. Hmm, maybe I should have tried this church thing earlier, nothing bad has happened yet.

I continued to walk into the church and found the confession booth. I stepped into the booth to begin the long list of things I had done bad.

"Father I have sinned."

"Okay… tell me what you've done."

Wow, this priest seemed hella chill….

"Okay, where to begin, where to begin. Well I have this best friend I live with, his name is Edward. I well I keep having these sex dreams about him and he has a girlfriend. I keep plotting to steal him away and I feel bad for the girl. I'm such a bitch some times."

The mysterious voice startled me, I had almost forgotten that I had been talking to someone. "Dude, is that all, God… Gimme something juice to hear, you're wasting daylight here."

I'm not sure what priests are supposed to act like but not like this. But hey, what do I know?

"Umm, okay well last week, I went to bar with my best friend Jacob and kind of played a prank on him."

"Reaaaaallly, tell me more."

"Well, I told this girl he was straight and that he wanted her. SO for the rest of the night she wouldn't leave him alone, and she ended up puking on his favorite designer jeans."

"Yeah, those weren't any designer jeans they were my favorite jeans."

Fuck. Jacob? What the hell is he doing here? Why was he pretending to be a priest? How did he pull this one off? He is so going to kill my ass.  
I was making a run for it even though it was pointless.

I dashed out of the confession booth, in the process of doing that I managed to break the door off the hinges. Fuck, it must be really bad to break something in the house of god.

As I broke the door off Jacob had tried to rush out of his compartment and got smacked in the face by the door.  
He stumbled back and fell on some old dude. Oh god I hope it wasn't the pope of something.  
The old dude fell back on to some table full of candles, somehow he didn't knock one over.

_Oh crap, Bella do some damaged control while Jake is still dazed_, I thought. I rushed over to help the man up but my foot got caught on Jacob's robe. I tripped and did a face plant on to the table, making it tilt towards me, the old man sliding down onto my face. Eww, gross old man balls were in my face. After that not so pleasant experience, the man rolled over onto the floor.

The candles were coming towards my face. Shit, I'm being punished. I managed to put my hands on top of the table and push myself up to avoid the candles coming, but I wasn't thinking. I had just put more weight on the table causing it to flip over.  
The candles went flying.

One got thrown towards the confession booths, another went towards the curtains and others went toward the front of the church. The church went up in flames. It would have been kind of cool if we weren't burning down a church. Since when were churches so flammable?  
Jacob managed to get moving and, after grabbing the old man and me, made a run for the door.

He got to his car and finally put us down. Jacob, the old man and I watch in horror as the church continued to burn. The firefighters didn't come until ten minutes later. By then the church was burnt to a crisp. So much for being forgiven for my sins, and plus I don't think my insurance was going to cover this. How often does a person manage to burn down a whole church?

I saw priests getting rescued and holy items being salvaged.

Damn.

My insurance was definitely not going to cover this.

I continued to watch the fire fighters put out that fire. I watched their legs move gracefully across the pavement, with their arms pumping them to go fast.

Mmm fire fighters, damn, I need to get laid.

Okay, stop distracting yourself Bella; you have to deal with the issue at hand. You just burned down a church. What do you have to say for yourself?

Absolutely nothing.

Exactly.

Shit, reality just punched me in the side. I was going to go to jail or something; I'm too young to go to jail. No, people get raped in jail, and you have to eat gross food and work out. Gym, no, jail would be high school all over again accept I'd probably get a daily beating in jail. Were there cliques in jail? No, there were gangs, worse. Fuck…

I am not going to jail.

I'll cut my hair, change my name, and get a fake tan. I'd move to Alaska start a new life as an accountant. Once I settle in Alaska I'll go moose hunting and run for governor.

I can see it now.

I was too busy planning my new life to notice that I was in a car driving away from the church. Wow, I really need to be more observant of my surroundings, one of these days I was going to get laid and I wouldn't even notice. Oh fire men… NO bad Bella.

Jacob was driving away now; I'm guessing he didn't want to go to jail either. But hey, I thought, he'd be okay with it, there was gay sex there. But what did I know? I already proved earlier that I don't know jack shit. So now maybe Jacob and I could start a new life together. He could get a sex change and be straight and we could be roommates. I hope Jake likes Alaska .

I was day dreaming when I heard a stranger's voice. What the hell? Who else was in the car?

I turned around to face the old man we had met at the church. What was he doing here? Was he going to come with us to Alaska ? Well I guess we could pretend he was my grandpa or something. Eww, maybe we could just dump his ass in a retirement home.

Comprehension finally reached my retarded brain, "Jacob, are we kidnapping this old man, and why?"

I slowly turned back to face the front of the car. I was in shock, crap. Not only am I going to go to jail for burning down a church but for kidnap too. But wait, don't jump to conclusions, maybe we're just giving a ride to the old man's house or something. Stay positive Swan.

"Bells we have to kidnap him, he saw us set the church on fire".

Shit, there goes the hope.

"Okay, answer this question: what the hell were you doing pretending to be priest or is that your night job or something?"

Besides don't you have to be a virgin to be a priest? Oh and straight?

I stole a quick glance at Jacob and I saw him turn bright red. Oh my god, my gay best friend is religious. How ironic.

"Okay, okay. I'll tell you but you can't tell anyone."

I did that whole "zip my mouth and throw away the key" thing. That seemed to satisfy him enough to continue.

"Well you know how being gay is a sin?"

There was a quick bob of the head from me and a grunt from the old man and Jacob shifted gears.

Jacob finally started up again, "Well a lot of gay men go to the confession booths to confess their sins."

Oh my god.

This better not be going where I think it's going.

"Well… when they confess their sins they are just so hot and vulnerable. And you know when people are vulnerable they're easy… so."

Oh my god, my gay best friend was banging guys in a confession booth in a house of God.

I thought me putting glue in Tanya's shampoo was bad, but no, Jacob made me look like a fucking angel.

Damn. I guess now I feel okay fucking around with Edward's girlfriend.

"Okay, I got another question, actually a question and a request." Since Jacob could get laid in a church that meant he could pretty much do anything. He was an expert at being sinful and getting what he wants, so I was going to request him help me get Edward to be my husband, I mean boyfriend, I mean lover, person, man.

"Shoot."

"Where did you get the robe?" Didn't you have to like prove to the state you were a preist before you were allowed to buy a robe?

"E-bay."

"Damn, you can get anything there."

All of a sudden the old man piped in, I guess he didn't hate us for kidnapping him, hell I bet we made his day. "No kidding, I buy my dentures, cat food, oh and my underwear from E-bay."

Note to self: kill yourself before you get old enough to need dentures.

"Cool…" Jacob and I were shifting uncomfortable in the front seat, the old man sure did know how to kill a conversation.

"Wait you said you have request for me?"

"Uhh." I said nervously, I didn't really want to talk about this anymore.  
"Spill it Swan or I will tell Tanya it was you who glued I'm a slut stickers all over her car."

Damn, he knew I did that? I don't even remember doing that. All I know is that I woke up the very next day in a bush next to Tanya's car with stickers all over my pants.

Note to self: don't get stinking drunk, if I do, get a Bush mask on and run around in it so people won't recognize you.

"Well Jake-_ob,_ you know I have the biggest crush on my roommate Edward, and I've been trying to get him to dumb his stupid girlfriend Tanya to go out with me. As you have obviously noticed I've failed so far. So I need your help, because apparently you're the king of religious sex."

"What does religious sex have to do with anything,"he questioned.

"I don't know, I was trying to butter you up so you'd help me finally get a man," I giggled.

"You had me at well. Let us begin the planning." Jacob excited leak out through his words, he was always ready to cause hell or help me cause hell.

"I'm in too." I guess Jacob and I have a new friend and anyone that was going to help me kick the slut out was a good friend to me.

"So what's your name, I don't want to keep call you old man." Haha, I don't think that would stop Jacob from calling the man old man.

"Tony," the old man grunted aloud.

Jacob and I welcome Tony excitedly, "Well welcome to the gang Tony!"


	2. Because of bleach and pills

chapter two :)

bleach and pills

* * *

Jacob drove me and Tony to my house to start planning how to get myself a man… Oh, I guess we could get Jacob a man to while we're at it or something.

I live in a fairly nice apartment that is just kind of average and simple. My roommate is the sinfully delicious Edward Cullen. We've basically been best friends since I can remember. I've been in love with him since the age of 9.

Yeah, I sound pathetic, I know. But I can't help it! Have you seen the man? He's freaking absolutely beautiful and perfect. But, I will always be his best friend. I will always be the girl doing his laundry while he's out screwing. Why can't I be one of those sluts? No, I don't want to be one of those sluts; I want to be that girl. I want to be the one to spend the rest of my life with Edward Cullen.

So now I am recruiting help to finally get what I want. I'll probably need Alice 's help too, but right now let's just see what Jacob has up his sleeve.

I made my way to my apartment and fumbled with the keys and finally found the right one. I stuck it in the lock to let myself in. As soon as I unlocked the door, Jacob came rushing in followed slowly by Tony. Jacob had made his way to the kitchen to find something to eat and Tony had gone to check out my medical cabinet.

wait, what was Tony doing again?

I rushed over to find out what the hell this old man thought he was doing. Going through my shit like that, and why was he going through my drugs?

"I thought young people were all into drugs these days, where are the drugs?"

Ehh, what? Okay maybe I do want to go to jail for kidnapping this man if it meant getting his ass out of my house.

"Umm, Tony neither my roommate nor I do drugs. So could you please get the hell out of my bathroom?"

Damn, what is _wrong_ with him? I want him out of my house.

"Oh Bellaaaaaa! I didn't know you owned such sexy panties. Wow, how could Edward not resist you in these little pieces of fabric that are called underwear?"

What is Jacob talking about? I don't own anything that would even remotely be called sexy. What was he doing digging through my shit, anyways? Maybe getting their help was more trouble it was worth.

Maybe I'll just be a crazy cat lady when I grow up and never have Edward.

No, stay positive Swan.

I made my way to the live room where Jacob was sitting on the couch spinning a pair of panties on one of his fingers. He was giving me that "you've been naughty" look.

Eww, those weren't my panties. And I don't think Edward was into the kind of shit so it must be… Tanya's.

Ewwwww! I eat and sit on that couch. I have to go get disinfectant spray or bleach the couch or something. I'd going to have to comb the couch for crabs and sterilize the remote, because god knows what kind of STDs Tanya had. The STDs tanya has could have easily been transfered on to the couch.

Did i need to go to the free clinic to get an STD test?

I got up and rushed to get some beach and gloves out of the kitchen, looking through the drawers till I found what I needed. I put the gloves on and got ready to get rid of slutty germs. Jacob was still twirling the underwear on his finger giving me a crazy look.

"JACOB THEY'RE NOT MY UNDERWEARRRR!"

He looked taken back and continued to stare at me like I'm a retarded.

"Edward's?"

"NO, they're his slut girlfriend's underwear!!"

He tossed the underwear to the floor and managed to squeal like a girl. He jumped off the couch and onto the coffee table.

"You don't think they? On the couch?"

I nodded to confirm what we both thought and cringed at the thought of.

"Are you serious? I liked that couch."

"You're telling me, I bought this couch." Ugg, stupid Tanya with her germs and boy stealing abilities.

I was beyond pissed. Where else had they had sex? On the table? On the kitchen floor? Stupid slut, she is such a home wrecker.

You know what? Fuck it.

I dumped the whole container of beach on the couch and didn't bother washing it off. I had always wanted a white couch. Why not just bleach the one I already have?

Jacob had managed to get off the coffee table without breaking it and went running like a little girl to the bathroom to wash his hands.

The smell of bleach filled my nose. I took off the gloves and decided to let the couch soak because I didn't know how many time Tanya had been naked on that couch.

I went to sit on the floor and turn on the TV to see what was on. I finally I found something good on when I heard Jake scream my name.

I struggle to get up and see what the hell the emergency was. I stumbled into the bathroom to see that Jacob was hold a package of birth control with three weeks missing. He was waving it in my face.

"Umm that's not mine."

"I know it's not yours."

"How?"

"Because you would have noticed that a week is missing; I would hope you're not that oblivious when a week is missing from you pills or you're going be popping out some accidents when you finally get laid."

"Why is there a week missing?"

I took this opportunity to glance around Jacob and see that Tony was puking his guts out in the toilet.  
"Because your friend Charlie," he was using his high girly patronizing voice, "has swallowed a week's worth of baby preventers."

"You mean Tony?"

"Who else would I be talking about?"

"Well, you called him Charlie so I was confused."

"BELLLAAA this is beside the point. He swallowed a week worth of the slut's birth control. What if she pops one out with green eyes and bronzy hair???"

"Fuuuucckk."

"You finally see the point."

Fuck my life. What was an old man doing popping birth control pills in my bathroom? You really need to be careful who you kidnap nowadays. If you're not careful you'll get a nut case.

"Tony why? Why??? Why would you take weeks worth of birth controls? Are you not telling us something?"

He managed to get his head out of the toilet and respond to what I said. "Birth control eh? Is that the kids are calling nowadays?"

What is wrong with man? Was he that big of a junkie to sneak into people's house and steal their drugs? But if he was a big druggie wouldn't he know what birth control pills look like? I am so confused, all I know is if he doesn't die from the pills I will strangle him.

Tony kept puking, which began to worry me. Can you OD on birth control pills? The most it will do is give you head ache right? I mean when I was a teen and stole my mom's birth control pills I took a million of them so I wouldn't get pregnant and I ended up with a killer headache.

But this was different, this was a guy. Oh my god, would he grow boobs??? Wowm the power of birth control.

"Bella are you home? The TV's on."

Oh crap my sexy roommate is home and it looks like we are stealing Tanya's birth control pills or trying to replace them or something. There was also a guy puking in our bathroom.

I shut the door and shout, "Ya I'm taking a shower."

I heard his footsteps as he continued to walk into our apartment.

"Why is there bleach all over the couch?"

Oh crap.

"There's what on the couch?" I bluffed.

"Bleach!"

Crap Swan, you can do it. Lie.

"Are you kidding me? There's bleach on the couch? How did it get there?"

Hope he couldn't tell I was lying.

"That's what I'm asking you."

"Uhh, I'm showering bye!"

Crap. Crap. Crap.

I turned around to face Jacob and Tony and signaled for them to climb out of the window.

Looks like we have to go to the hospital to replace the pills and make sure Tony wasn't going to turn into a girl.

A/N: please review, they make me happy :)

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	3. HOSPITAL RUN

**I'm Going to hell Because……**

**CHAPTER 4**

_**Previously: I turned around to face Jacob and Tony and signaled for them to climb out of the window.**_

_**Looks like we have to go to the hospital to replace the pills and make sure Tony wasn't going to turn into a girl.**_

I watched Jacob lift the old man and toss him through the window. After the old man was through, we waited to hear impact. We heard the old man swear; signaling that he had landed and that it was safe for Jacob to crawl through.

"Bella I really need to talk to you about Tanya, please stop acting weird."

OH crappp….. Wait Edward wanted to talk? I weighed my options. No the talk could wait, making sure Tony was okay was a priority, but….. Oh I hate my morals.

"Umm I can't hear you, I'm taking a shower."

Jacob shook his head, probably in disappointment at how bad I was at lying. Yeah I know I'm retarded but I don't need him reminding me. He gave me one more glance and jumped head first through the window.

I heard a loud bang and the old man swear even louder.

"Bella how are you taking a shower? Stop lying; the water's not even on."

Crap, no wonder Jacob was shaking his head, I didn't think through my lie.

"Oh that explains a lot! I knew I was doing something wrong. Thanks Edward you're a life saver."

And right now we're trying to go replace the bitch's pills so you don't bring a life into the world.

I dived through the window and was greeted by the old man's ass. Wow we really have to stop meeting like this.

We scrambled up and headed to the car. After we strapped in the old man to make sure he didn't go anywhere we began the trip to the hospital. I compulsively changed the songs on the radio to find a tune I liked. There was nothing on and all Jacob's CDs were how do we say without offending? They were gay and fruity.

"Step one- get confidence." We had been driving in silence when Jacob had blurted that out.

"Step one of what?" I had a bad feeling about this.

"Bell –la you can be so dense sometimes. Step one on how to get Edward to be your man."

Was it that apparent that I had the confidence of an earth worm? I thought I hid that pretty well, just as well as I hid my crush on Edward. Actually everyone seemed to know about my crush on Edward so I guess that's not a good comparison.

"What does confidence have to do with getting Edward to be mine?"

Thank god the old man had passed out in the back sit, or I would have been blushing red with embarrassment. He'd also probably would have something lame to add into this conversation which I really didn't need right now.

"Have you noticed Bella, that Edward likes confident girls? Besides who wants to date a girl with the self esteem of an earth worm?"

How did he know that? I wanted to cry now. I wanted to go find an earth worm and keep it as a pet so that at least he would be my friend.

"Don't give me that look Bella; I know how I'm going to help you get your confidence up. If fact it's going to be so high, Edward will jump you and ask you to teach him some moves."

"Cool, wait what kind of moves?"

I glanced uneasily towards Jacob. He looked at me and shook his head in disbelief.

"These kind of moves." He took his hands off the wheel and did severe thrust forward with his hands and hips.

"Jake! Keep your hands on the wheel."

I dove over to grab the wheel but Jacob's hands were already back on the wheel before I was even half way there. He started laughing at me. He wouldn't stop laughing.

I decided the best approach was to sit and pout. "Stop it." this only made him laugh harder until he started crying. Then I started laughing because he was crying.

We continued to laugh all the way to the hospital.

I finally arrived and decided Jacob would take the old man to the poison control center and I'd get Tanya some pill.

I went over to the clinic. This was going to be awkward. I tossed over my health card out and spoke to the lady at the desk.

"Hi, excuse me? I need to see a doctor because I want birth control pills."

The lady looked at me with one raised eyebrow.

"Okay, wait 10 minutes to see a doctor for the prescription".

She processed my information and after that I took a seat next to an odd woman. She was shifting back and forth. She kept staring at me.

"You have pretty hair, I like you hair."

Eww, why was this woman complimenting my hair? I crept over to the other side of my seat doing my best to lean far away from the lady.

"Your hair reminds me of my cat; she was so pretty. It was a shame that I had to kill her."

I froze in my seat and did my best to make myself disappear. I tried closing my eyes and clapping my feet together. I also tried to pull a harry potter and teleport somewhere else.

"Isabella?"

I dashed out of my seat. I was so happy to see a nurse for the first time in my life.

They did all the normal junk, weighed and took my blood pressure. I was then escorted to a patient room. I sat myself on the bed and fidgeted with Tanya's pills so I could make sure that I got the right pills. A knock on the door interrupted my fidgeting.

"Come in"

"Bella?"

Oh crap Carlisle!!! Why was he doing at the clinic? Oh crap this is awkward. Wait no, I'm 19. I'm old enough for this not to be awkward. But still … This is weird.

"What can I help you with?"

"I need RFGG"

"You need what?"

"FFGHNGJMF"

"What?"

"BIRTH CONTROL PILLS"

Carlisle look taken aback by me shouting birth control pills, there was now an awkward silence in the atmosphere. Wow I had used the word awkward so many times that it became my favorite word to describe things.

"oh well, here let me write you a prescription."

"No I need these pills." I tossed him Tanya's pills. He looked at me like I was crazy and continued to write the prescription.

"You can pick them up at the pharmacy in 15 minutes."

"Thank you so much."

"Will I see you at dinner on Friday with Edward?"

"Yes, oh and Carlisle? Can you die from over dosing on birth control pills?"

"What?"

"Nothing, never mind."

I ran out of the hospital to go look for Jacob and Tony.

* * *

**reveiw :)**


	4. hmmm?

I'm going to hell because …

Chapter 5

Bella's POV (who else would it be?)

We finally got home.

After pumping Toney's stomach because, apparently taking a lot of birth control can cause you to stroke. And me and Jacob didn't want his ass stroking out on us will we were on our mission to make me a sexy vixen. After I was made into that super sexy vixen I would swoop in and steal what was rightfully mine, Edward Cullen. I would also rub it in that bitch Tanya's face.

Hahaha

-

-

I can't wait.

So Jacob sent me on a mission to go home and try to find something to wear that is sexy, for tonight. We were go clubbing. Apparently he wanted to get me laid so I wouldn't seem so desperate in front of Edward. I would also prove to the world that Isabella Swan could in fact get some ass. I couldn't wait; no more fantasies for me after tonight.

Jacob had to drop me off at my house because my car was still at the church. Oh shit the church.

I got home and was relieved that tony had not died out on us. But let me say that relief did not last long. When I got home, I found Edward scrubbing the couch and the house smelt of bleach. The smell was so bad it made my eyes fucking bleed.

When I opened the door to the house, I was greeted by a not so happy Edward.

"Where the fucks have you been? You're supposed to be taking a "shower""

Yeah, he's not happy with me.

Okay you can get yourself out of this situation, just be evasive Swan.

"Why are you being sarcastic towards me? What crawled up your butt and died?"

Oh get, you just insulted the man you're in love with. And you're an idiot. He knows your lying that's why he's being sarcastic. You deserve it!!

Do not.

Do too.

Do not.

I am not playing this game.

Edward just kept starring at me, crap I didn't hear what he had just said. Oh crap what do I say? Something like sorry Edward I was talking to myself so can you repeat the question?

No, no, that will never work.

Oh crap. Well maybe if we stay silent he'll just forget we're here and leave.

Wait… we?? What the fuck have I been smoking?

***Daydreaming ***

"_What a mint Bella?"_

"What did you put in them Emmet?"

"Nothing, just pure sugar."

"Hmmm... okay what the heck."

***daydream done***

Oh crap, there was definitely something in those mints, the question was what?

Note to self: kill Emmet / find out what was in those mints.

"Earth to Bella, are you still fucking here?"

Oh shit Edward still sees me, quick get out of here.

"Oh Edward we need to talk later I'm in the middle of a shower. Bye"

I dashed off to the bathroom.

"What the hell? ………….. Where do you think you're going?"

I ran off but Edward cut me off.

He picked me up and threw me on his shoulder.

I was pressed closed against his body.

God, the man smelt good.

He then threw me on the floor and sat himself on my ribs. I liked this angle, but I don't think he realized what his closeness was doing to me. I was getting hot just having him sit on me. Damn I really need to get a life, or sex. Either one, just I need one of them.

"Swan, why is the couch covered in bleach?" god he had a nice ass "I've spent two hours scrubbing it off" I could feel it through his pants "and trying to get rid of the smell" I want to bite it so bad " and I don't understand why as soon as I mention Tanya." Would he really mind if I took just a small bite?  
"you run off on me, I get the feeling that" I wonder what he could do with his hands. If he just moved them a little closer, "you don't like her. I don't understand why you don't like her." I was getting a little warm down there. "I mean, what did she ever do it you?" Was he thinking the same thing I was? Maybe I should hint at it.

"I want Tanya to move in. is that okay?"

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

* * *

**A/N **

**Sorry nothing happened in this chapter, but it's been forever since I've updated so I randomly wrote this and I hope you found it remotely amusing. **

**Also I don't know if I will continue this.**

**I kind of want to find someone to co write this with me because that way I will be more motivated to write this silly story. **

**So if you are interested me, PM or review. **

**Thanks for reading my silliness**


	5. CLUBBING PART 1

**Chapter 6!**

**CLUBBING**

**Omg I updated!!!!**

**Lol, enjoyyyy**

"Hey babe, yeah I'm just calling to tell you that it chill that you move in. Yeah I'm not the only one who's excited, Bella's practically speechless. I know you guys are just going to be best friends."

I was leaning again the wall in the hallway as Edward told Tanya the wonderful news! She can move in, oh my god please don't make me barf.

I think I had a stroke when I told him it was fine that his ho bag could move in with us.

Wait I didn't have a stroke I'm just madly in love with him.

Fuck cupid I'd rather have chocolate then love. Especially if the love of your life is fucking retard and thinks that bleach blond and fake tits are hot. He must put a brown bag on her when he screws her, because I can't see him climaxing any other way.

God I can be such a bitch some times.

You know what? I should be happy that Edward likes Tanya so much that he wants her to move in with us. I shouldn't be a bitter bitch.

Who am I kidding? I'd rather see Edward go gay and fuck Jacob then see him with that tramp.

"Oh my god Bella you are amazing."

I felt his arms snake around me and hug. Fuck he touches me and I turn into a puddle.

He ran off to room to make room for his new roommate. Ugg Edward could be such a girl sometimes. I don't think I've wanted to vomit so many times in one day.

Fuck, Jacob's plan to get me fucking hot better fucking work. Great this day has been so amazing every other word that comes out of my mouth, well thought is fuck. Shit I am a horrible person.

That reminds me; I flipped out my phone to call Jacob. I had to find out what his plan was for getting my all sexy for Edward.

I dialed his number and waited for him to pick up.

I finally heard his voice come on, "how many time do I have to tell you, I don't give a shit if I go to hell, I'm not going to buy anything"

What the hell?

"umm Jake?"

"Oh hi bells, sorry I didn't know it was you".

"Who did you think it was?"

"My grandmother, she keeps calling me because she wants to save me from Satan and if do some creepy shit I can be saved. Like one time she told me if….."

I am so glad my grandmother isn't religious.

"I don't want to know, please spare me the details, look Jake, I need your help."

"Ah the plans, yes before you even ask I know what I'm doing."

"Okay, so what do we have to do first?"

"You leave that part to me, all you have to do wait by your door naked and legs spread."

Wait what? Is he being serious?

"Wait are you fer serious? Are you sure? Have you been pretending to be gay this whole time and now seizing the moment to make your move, because I won't fall for it."

"haha your funny."

He hung up on me.

Fuck he never answered my question. I hate men even if this one was gay and had better taste in clothing then I did.

**SEXDRUGsCHOCOLATESEXDRUGsCHOCOLATESEXDRUGCHOCOLATESEXDRUGsCHOCOLATESEXDRUGs**

I can't believe I'm doing this. I was waiting by my door in towel.

At least I was home alone; Edward had to work to night. At least he wouldn't see me embarrassing myself for the millionth time today.

I tapped my foot impatient as I waited for Jacob to show up and enlightenment me as to why I should have my legs spread for him.

I finally heard a knock and then a rustle of keys.

Wait who was that?

I watched the door swing up and I almost shit my pants, because who else had a key to the apartment, Edward. Shit what was I suppose to explain to him what was happening if I was doing this for him.

I scrambled up to dive behind the couch when I heard Jacob's loud barking laughter fill the house.

How the fuck did he gets a key to my home???

I turned around to glare at him. He was laughing so hard that he fell onto the floor and literally was rolling back and forth. No joke, I don't joke about this shit, he was actually ROLFL.

I decided to make him shut up and gave him the best eat shit look I could muster up. This of course only made him laugh harder. I finally gave up and decided to wait until he could control himself. I went to the kitchen to get some alcohol, because if this shit kept happening I was going to have to be smashed to be able to deal with his shit.

I threw back a shot. I was about to throw another back when Jacob came and stole it from me. He took the shot and wiggled his eye brows at me. I just kept staring at him.

"Sorry, I just didn't think you'd actually listen to me. "

He started laughing at him, wow this was another FML(fuck my life) moment, damn does a normal human being have some many of these moments or was I just that lucky?

He finally composed himself again and threw a bag at me. I lift up my eyebrow questioning what was in the bag.

"They are clothing, we are going clubbing."

Eww clubbing. Clubbing is just an excuse to rub against strangers and not get ticketed for sexual harassment. Fuck clubs, they are for perverts.

I made no move to leave. Finally Jacob spoke, "Fine bells if you don't want Eddie that badly then maybe…"

I ran off to the bathroom to change. Hello everyone one, my name is Bella Swan and I am a pervert.

I rummaged through the bad and found little scraps of fabric called clothing. Fuck does Jacob think I'm a fucking stripper or something? But I knew it was useless to argue with Jacob.

I wrestled into a tiny mini skirt and a short tank top. Wow did I look like a stripper.

But I guess that's a good thing right?

Because strippers get laid?

Yeah right, keep telling yourself that…..

FML

At least I could have something to put on that website finally………..

**SEXDRUGSCHOCOLATESEXDRUGSCHOCOLATESEXDRUGSCHOCOLATESEXDRUGSCHOCOLATESEXDRUG**

PART TWO WILL COME SOON!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE REVIEW, THEY ENCOURAGE ME! THEY TELL ME THAT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS REMOTELY INTERESTING!

OH PLEASE, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT TO HAPPEN, BECAUSE THIS STORY IS JUST FOR FUN!!!!

REVEIWS ARE JUST AS GOOD AS CHOLOCATE!

SORRRY THAT THERE ARE SO MANY fml REFERENECES LOL…………. AND THAT THIS IS POORLY EDITTED.

Fmylife(dot)com lol equals FML

I have nothing against clubs, I actually enjoy clubs,

Oh if you review I'll give you sneak peek of the next chapter when I finally get around to writing it!


	6. Clubbing part 2

**I'm going to hell **

**Chapter 6 part 2**

**Hello stranger. It has been a while. But now its summer so I might just might update more often since I will be bored and I have no life. WELL I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY INSANITY.**

**Oh I've decided to change Alice and make her OOC because I'm tired of always seeing Alice just care about shopping and makeovers. So this will be almost the opposite of Alice in a way.**

**Summary: Jacob is taking Bella to a club to get her laid so she can get some confidence in order to steal Edward from his slut Tanya**

I have a confession to make. I don't actually hate clubs. I'm kind of actually scared of clubs. Every time I go to one of these god damn things I always end up in trouble. I usually get shit faced and do something stupid, like steal a cop car or dry hump my couch thinking it's my sex filled roommate.

Wait what am I talking about, I've never done that stuff before; well, more along the lines I'd never admit to doing any of that stuff.

After Alice and I ended up in jail because she decked a guy for tell her to take as shower, I decided the party scene wasn't for me. Spending time in jail with a couple hookers sitting on your lap is not how you want to end you day. It tend to kind of ruin your day and make you want to go get check for any STD you could have gotten from having a hooker's pussy is in your personal bubble. Crabs can actually jump from person to person. Did you know that? I bet you didn't.

After that night in jail I try not to go to clubs. But here I was being dragged to a club in order to get some confidence. I personally don't think this is the right way to go about this but I wasn't going to argue with the sex god know as Jacob Black. He's like the gay version of Prince.

We finally arrive at the club and there is a giant line. Great I'm going to spend half of the night standing in line but I have a feeling that this will be the most fun part of the evening, if my reputation with clubs still holds strong.

I get ready to wait in line but Jacob goes straight to the front and whispers something to the bouncer. The next thing I know me and Jacob have just basically cut 30 people in line and are in a cramp area known as the dance floor.

The music is blaring and the people around me are grinding. Jacob starts dance like Michael Jackson and I just kind of stare at him. Another reason why I don't like to go clubbing is because I can't dance. I'd have better luck doing the chicken dance.

But I reluctantly start to attempt to dance. I feel really stupid pretending to be sexy when I'm not. I try to move my hips to the beat but it just makes me feel awkward.

After a few minutes of embarrassment, Jacob finally takes some pity on me and drags me to the bar.

On the way over there someone grabbed my ass! I whipped around intending to nail the guy in the nuts but it's a fucking woman who grabbed my ass!

I'm shocked as hell to see a woman acting like a fucking bitch. Now I have no idea what to do. I usually kick guys where the suns don't shine when this happens, but now that a woman has finally groped my ass I don't know what to do with myself.

I settle for swift kick in the shin.

Afterward, I chase after Jake as fast as fast as I can because I'm scared the woman might be carrying pepper spray and seek revenge on me.

I finally see him at the bar and him just smiling at me like a giant asshole. He had seen the whole thing.

"Why the fuck didn't you save me?"

"I couldn't do anything; I wanted to see the look on your face. It was priceless by the way." He located the bartended and got us some tequila shots.

Eww I hate tequila shots.

But I took it anyway because if I didn't, Jacob would force me and that just wouldn't end well.

So I took it. I made sure to make a lemon face as I choked down.

I slammed my shot glass upside down like a pro pretending like I knew what I was doing

"Another round for me and the lucky girl" Www what? I don't want to drink anymore.

This whole taking me to party wasn't making me feel very good. I just wanted to go home and buy some cats because clearly I was meant to die alone. Then when I die, my cats would eat me since there will be no one there to feed them. People will think that I went missing when I was really just in my cat's fat tissue.

I winced at that thought. I couldn't let that happen. I had to make sure that didn't happen.

So I did something incredible stupid.

I took the next shot the bartender gave me.

Jacob smiled at me. He knew he had won the battle.

By shot four I was drink tequila like it was water. I was licking up some salt taking the shot and sucking on the lemon like a pro.

Shot 6, I had no idea where Jacob went. I kind of had to pee but I was scared to leave the bar. Another woman groped my butt.

Shot 9, another fucking woman grab my ass? WHAT THE FUCK?

All these women kept hitting on me like I was wear an "I'm gay" sign on my back. I quickly checked my back to see if Jake had taped anything on me, but there wasn't anything there. What gives?

"What the fuck is this like a fucking gay club? Do I look gay?" oh shit did I just say that out loud? My filter tends to be removed when I'm slightly intoxicated?

Wait I'm not drunk, no, I'm not drunk at all.

Okay… maybe a little.

"Haha, yeah what did you think this was little lady?" I spun around and saw the bartender laughing at me.

I did my best eat shit look at him but it didn't work. He just laughed at me more.

I was going to kill Jacob for taking me to a gay club? "I thought the whole fucking point was for me to get laid?"

"You could get laid by a woman but there no straight men here little lady." What the fuck, did I just talk out loud again?

"Why the fuck do you keep calling me little lady? Do I look fucking little to you?" I leaned over the table and stuck my finger against his chest. It felt nice.

"I think you've had enough tonight." He leaned away from my finger and I almost feel over the bar. I didn't realize I had put all my weight on that little finger? That must be a pretty strong finger.

The Little Bartender came over and helped me get over on my side of the bar. I was safely in my seat again. Haha I called him little.

You know what, this is fun. Nothing is going wrong, besides the fact that I've had my ass groped and pinch by multiple women.

I should do this more often.

I felt another hand touch my ass and I finally had had enough. I think the alcohol was finally pumping into my blood because I was ready to kick someone's ass.

I was totally going to kick this bitch's ass. I was going to tattoo Bella Swan on her ass.

I spun around to grab a handful of the bitch's hair when I face to face with Tanya.

You have got to be shitting me?

**A/N: should I continue? Review please, they encourage me to write these crazy story. So review or I'll be sad!**

**I'm bored so PM if you liked to chat about twilight or the weather.**


	7. kitty KATTT

**Chapter 7**

**Kitty KATTT**

**My internet is being fuctarded.**

I can't believe this is fucking happening. If this wasn't my life and I wasn't shit faced beyond belief, I might have actually laughed at the situation.

But since I am clearly drunk to the point of thinking I'm sexy and this is actually happening to me, there was no laughter coming out my mouth. I don't even think my mouth has the motor skills to proper laugh and scream at Tanya.

All I know is that I wanted to beat her ass. I am tired of getting attacked like it was open season on my ass. I also hated Tanya with a passion that could be compared to the feeling of getting blue balled.

I just wanted to get all my rage out, so I launched myself at her. But of course after nine shots, beating her ass turned into grabbing on to her and trying to steady myself so I could try to at least get a decent punch at her.

Tanya being the bitch that she is, thought this was an invitation to get comfortable with me, she was clearly shit faced. She pushed me back onto the bar stool. She wedged herself in between my legs.

I would have done anything to get her off but I couldn't. I was still dizzy from trying to stand up and I was trying to keep my lunch down. But the smell coming from her wasn't really helping in the not throwing up department. The smell of cheap perfume was enough to make me gag without the added nine shots of tequila.

She crashed her lips to mine and I automatically froze up. Her lips tried to move against mine but I was too shocked to move. I wanted to get the fuck away from her.

I would think that someone not cooperating in a kiss was a sign to show you weren't interested but she decided to shove her tongue in my mouth. She was literally eating my face. She seemed to be digging for gold. I tried to lean my head away from her but that just caused her to start kissing my neck. I tried to tell her to get the fuck off me but it came off a slur.

Her hands to started to wonder up my thigh and there was no way in hell she was going to touch me there.

I finally used all my strength to push her off me. She lost her balance and fall flat on her ass. In the process of pushing her off me I had flung myself to far forward and feel on top of her.

"Oh is that how you want to play?" she gave me a sexy smirk and I try to respond with a fuck you but I felt me lunch coming up to greet her.

I slammed my mouth closed hoping to prevent anything from coming out. I tried to crawl away from her and towards the bathroom.

"Where do you think you are going?"

Shit, she seriously though this was some crazy foreplay. What a sick bitch. She pulled me back on top of her. My stomach couldn't handle the quick movement and I felt my stomach heave and I felt my lunch exit my mouth on to Tanya's face.

Screaming pierced my ear drums and I was shoved aside as Tanya tried to wipe my vomit off her.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH"

I was beginning to feel better; who knew throwing up could make you feel better. I crawled away as fast as I could because I didn't want to deal with an angry Tanya.

I felt water sprayed on me and I turned to see that Tanya had thrown someone's vodka's drink at me. She then threw the fucking glass at me, what a fucking bitch.

Angry, beat the shit out of anyone Bella was coming back. I felt pissed beyond belief. I was going to show this bitch who the boss was.

I grabbed on to the bar side and slowly pulled myself up. I turned to face her. It was on bitch.

I grabbed a bowl of nuts and threw it at her, but it missed and hit some bitch in the face.

Tanya took this a threat and charged at me. I ran towards her screaming my battle cry.

We collided and fell onto the floor. She was on top of me. She was trying to grab a fist full of my hair. I quickly tried to prevent this by scratching at her face with my nails, this causing her to scream even louder. She grabbed my hair and pulled. It felt like my scalp was fucking bleeding.

I tried to get out from under her but I couldn't until I felt someone lift her off. I scrambled up and saw that Jake had picked the slut off me.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Bella can I not leave you alone for two minutes without you fucking shit up?"

I would fuck deal with him later. I scrambled to my feet to finish business with Tanya. Just because Jacob was in the picture didn't mean the fight was over.

I reach over and grabbed beer bottle and smacked it across her head. Glass shattered around. Before I knew it, Tanya had snuck out of Jacob's grab and attacked my face again. She aimed a punch and missed me by an inch. She fell forward passed me into the crowd.

She was shoved back into me and we both feel onto the bar.

I heard the crowd cheer. What the fuck, there were people watching? They need lives.

I felt Tanya being lifted off me again and I was then picked up by a stranger. What the fuck is going on. I was tossed onto his shoulder. He made his way towards the entrance of the club. I tried to fight against his grip but it was pointless.

I heard Tanya screaming too.

I felt myself become airborne and then landed hard onto the cement. Shit, that fucking hurt. I feel like my tail bone just broke off.

I slowly got up and saw that I was outside with a shit load of people waiting to get in. they were all watching me like I was fucking celebrity of something.

I was going to try to leave with my integrity in tack. I picked myself off the side walk and proceeded to walk away from the club.

Fuck, where was the car parked?

**Review please. It keeps the insanity pumping in my brain. **

**Would you like to give me some ideas for the story? Haha…**

**Are there any good fanfictions I should be reading?**


	8. Chapter 8 yes no title because i said so

**Chapter 8**

I woke up with a start, where the hell was I?

My head hurt like a mother fucker. I just wanted to go back to sleep, but then I began to remember what had happened yesterday.

Oh you got to be shitting me???

I had gone to gay bar, burn down a church and kidnapped an old man.

I bolt up and took in my surroundings. Everything seemed to be fine in my room. I was in my PJs in bed.

Well maybe yesterday didn't happen? Yeah that's right, yesterday hasn't happened yet. There was no way I could burn down a church and make out with Tanya. I wasn't a person who did that kind of stuff. I especially didn't get in cat fights. I was a very peace loving person. It was just all a dream.

I was so full of shit but right now I don't think I can deal with the fact that Tanya was a lipstick lesbian who was dating my hot sexy roommate. Not to mention I had no idea what was going on with the whole burning down the church thing.

So I was going to go with the whole self denial routine.

I was fine. Everything was fine. I decided to treat myself to blueberry pancakes. That's the spirit. Think of the positives Swan, I mean at least you don't kiss as badly as Tanya. I winced. I was supposed to be denying everything that happened yesterday.

I punched the pillow next to me in frustration. Why can't my life be normal? I punched it again. I heard someone grown and roll over.

Oh my god how the fuck is someone other than me in my bed?

Did I get laid finally? Shit I don't even remember getting laid. This is upsetting.

Or worse?

Is it Tanya?

Shit I don't remember anything so I have no idea if I got date raped by her or not. I hope to god not. I wanted to rat Tanya out to Edward but how could I do that if I slept with her? I could see how well that conversation would go.

Why was my life so complicated? All I wanted was Edward and to get laid. I would also like some new books too. Was that too much to ask??

I finally grew some ovaries and decided to find out who I had spent the night with. I flipped the comforter over and I saw Tony.

Oh thank god it's only tony. OH MY GOD, what was tony doing in my bed????? holy shit, holy shit.

Just breath Swan, that the key, just keep on breathing.

"What are you doing?"

I glanced at Tony like he had grown a penis on his head. How could he "what are you doing" me???? He's in my fucking bed. Shit, I need therapy.

Okay no I need to calm down. I just need to calmly ask him what he is doing in my bed. I can do this, Remember peace and love.

"What-what the FUCK ARE YOUDOING IN MY BED?"

"I had nowhere to sleep, I tried to sleep with Edward but he was all "Go home old man". So I had no choice but to sleep here."

Oh thank god, there is a Jesus. I didn't do anything nasty with him. I could finally breathe without wanting to kill myself with a dull knife.

"Wait, why the hell are you still here?"

"I use to live in the church, but well you kind of burned it down."

Oh shit. He was making me feel all guilty about the whole burning down the church fiasco. I felt kindness vomiting out of my body. I was trying to hold it in. I really was but it just exploded everywhere and before I knew what had happened I had asked Tony to stay with me and Edward.

I hate my kindness; I wish it would dig a grave and die in it. And if it wasn't too much I'd want it to dig a hole in the junk yard and throw Tanya in it.

But it was too late, I couldn't take my offer back, word vomit had now provided me a new roommate. Speaking of roommate, Tanya; I think my whole body convulsed at the thought of her moving in.

Her moving in was going to be super awkward.

_Hey Tanya since I've made out with you and so has Edward, who do you want to sleep with tonight? Do you want to try doing Tony? _

Eww….I tried not to think about Tanya and just focus on the prize, blueberry pancakes.

"Come on Tony let's get breakfast."

His ears perked up like a dog. Maybe he would be easier to take care of. He could be the family pet in some strange twisted way.

I made my way to the kitchen where Edward was busy making coffee. I think I drool a little at the sight of him. But I tried to focus on the task of making hangover food.

"Woahhh… what the fuck happened to your face? Are those hickeys?" Hickeys? Oh shit I was going to kill Tanya, "Are you dating a guy who abuses you, because I will beat his ass if he does."

This situation was almost laughable because if I told him the truth he'd never believe me. I just continued to make my pancakes.

"Isabella Marie Swan, you didn't answer me, are you being abused? Are you dating Jake??" yeah I'm totally dating Jake accept for the fact that he's gay, "I'm going to kill him. I knew it, I just knew."

He grabbed me and made me look at him. I wanted to tell him that his girlfriend did this to me, but I couldn't. I couldn't handle that conversation.

Wait did he just say that Jake was abusing me? Haha maybe I could milk this a little. No that would be bad. I couldn't do that. I was going to have to be mature about this.

"No, Jake is not abusing me. I just got in another bar fight."

He finally relaxed and let me go. He went back to making his breakfast.

"You really need to stop going out with Alice. She's an angry drunk."

Haha he was probably thinking of the time she beat the shit out him.

He really needs to learn not to call her a pixie. If you call her that she will not hesitate to bring a whole new meaning to shoving you're foot up someone's ass.

"She just doesn't like it when someone calls her small. That's all, it's not my fault you decided to comment on her shortness and it got your ass kicked."

He shuddered as I spoke about her.

See here is the thing, Alice isn't violent. She just doesn't hesitate to fuck someone up. Alice has always been a little different. She's a hard core vegan and prides herself in only wearing organic cotton. She always finds a way to recycle everything. She even bought that special machine that recharges her batteries. But that's why I love her so much. I really should give her a call or something. But I focused on my pancakes. Because pancakes can cure anything including the, I made out with my best friend's girlfriend and then got in a bar fight with her blues.

I went and set the pancakes on the table. Tony was already there of course. He acted like he hasn't been fed in three years. Wait when was the last time I fed him? I can't think of anything accept the birth control pills he ate. Fuck, animal control was going to be all on my ass soon if I didn't feed him.

I was getting ready to eat when the door bell rang. Who the fuck is it?

Edward dashed into his room. "I'm not home!!! I'm fact I died."

This peeked my interest. Who was Edward really scared of, well besides Alice and the post man but other than that he was a regular tough guy.

I went and opened the door and holy fuck it's Alice in the flesh.

"I need a place to stay."

THIS IS NOT A FUCKING HOTEL.

**Lipstick lesbian = a lesbian who goes for feminine lesbians. They don't like butch lesbians**

**\**


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